Tag: manners

Guest Towels in the Bathroom: Are They Off Limits?

It is always an adventure to settle down with my cup of coffee in the morning and read through my emails to see what is concerning my darling friends. I came across this interesting problem regarding towels.

My friend went to a First Communion party at her niece’s house and when she used the bathroom facilities, was dumbstruck that her niece had only provided a small hand towel for the fifty or so guests that she had in her home. Her shock did not come from the fact that there was only one towel, however. The shock came from seeing others using the facilities and then discovering that the towel was perfectly dry…it had not been used! She found wet spots near the sink and the soap was wet, so hands seemed to be washed…so why not use the towel?

I can recall a time in my childhood when I was admonished by my dear mother to not use the ‘guest towels’ that were specially hung on a bar near the sink. So, I never used them. She had elevated them to sacred status in my impressionable mind. For years, even when using the facilities in other’s homes, I avoided touching the guest towels and wiped my hands on my pants! (Yes, I know…the horror of it!!!)

I believe that there can be a solution to this problem, however.

  1. Provide enough small washcloths for a couple of dozen to use. A beautiful stack right next to the sink. As the host, you use the first one…crumple it up, place it in a basket near the sink, and hope that this subtle message tells other guests…it is OK to use the towels! 
  2. Get a festive box of disposable paper towels and leave them near the sink. Perhaps guests do not want to feel that they are creating more laundry for the host, but will feel free to use paper towels.
  3. Leave no towel in the guest bath at all, after all no one is using it anyway. Watch as people leave the bathroom. You take a drink for every person who comes out with wipe marks on their pants (kidding!)

Best Clean Hand Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

How Similar Must Our Etiquette Backgrounds Be? A Fiancee’s Conundrum

I am fortunate to be acquainted with many people and enjoy all of my friendships immensely. Recently, I was emailed by the daughter of a dear friend and asked my opinion on a sensitive topic.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett,

The man to whom I am engaged comes from a family that is completely lacking in any sort of manners. They think I am fussy and cold and much too much of a nitpicker, and I think they are rude, crude, and basically barbarians. I am thinking of ending the engagement because when my fiance is with them, he follows their lead and acts like a boor. Should I end the relationship?

Well, you can imagine my dismay at reading the poor girl’s letter.  She is in quite a pickle, indeed.

Without telling what her what to do, I pointed out a few important things in my response.

  1. You have no right to dictate to his family that they should change and adapt your standards of manners.
  2. They have no right to ask you to change, either.
  3. You do, however, have every right to expect that you and your fiance will come to an agreement as to the standards under which you, he, and your future offspring will live.
  4. Relationships and/or marriages are more harmonious when people have similar backgrounds, and manners are a big part of backgrounds.
  5. If he is unwilling to establish reasonable standards for the new family unit you are about to become, then I would think long and hard about marriage to him.

I maintain that it is easier and less expensive to break off an engagement than it is to get a divorce.

Best Mannerly Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

I Received an Invitation to a Wedding That I Don’t Wish to Attend; Do I Have to Send A Gift?

I feel and fear that it is inevitable that we shall all at some point be invited to celebrate the nuptial bliss of one or more couples for whom we frankly feel no enthusiasm. The conundrum is do we send a gift?

I would like to share that while the simple answer is that an invitation to a wedding ceremony does not obligate you to send any gift, should you be invited to a wedding reception, then you are expected to send a gift whether you attend or not. I know, it stinks and  I hear you protesting over this fact….however…the fact that you made the shortlist tells me that you have a good relationship with the sender or that you are close relations. It is sometimes better to just suck it up and attend, make the best of things, and be social. I advises you thusly:

You should attend a wedding, reception, and/or send a gift if:

-the bride, groom, or their respective parents attended your wedding.

-you are the child, cousin, sibling, aunt, uncle, grandparent, or parent of the bride or groom. 

-you work with the bride or groom and must see them on a daily basis.

-your mother tells you must attend. Listen to her…she knows.

Incidentally, a wedding announcement does not bestow an obligation to send a gift, though much the same as with an invitation to a ceremony, you may send a gift if you feel you have a good and friendly relationship with the sender of the announcement.

Best celebratory wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Manners in Conversation: Dangerous Topics

I am sometimes asked about general guidelines for conversation for those times when one may have to be around others whose views and beliefs are unknown to you. It is always better to be circumspect; remember the goal of all etiquette is to put people at ease. Here are a few items to be extremely careful of when chatting!

  1. Money is a dangerous topic, especially directly asking someone what something costs or how much they earn. The person who is asked such questions, has every right to ignore the asker. 
  2. Age is a subject to be deftly avoided due to the sensitivity some people have about their age. Let’s face it, yes…if you are entering a contract with someone, then the question is appropriate, but not in general social situations. If someone asks you how old you are, feel free to ignore this one, too. 
  3. Gossip can cause all sorts of problems. Avoid being the spreader of this muck. Want to stop a gossiper? Ask them pointedly “How do you know this?” It is funny how most gossipers won’t be able to answer.
  4. Advice is only given if it is asked for, and even then, I’d be uncomfortable giving it.
  5. Religion and politics….avoid at all costs. Yes, even in this time of wicked polarization on both subjects.
  6. Avoid criticizing your own family members publicly, even if you do not like them. I can’t tell you how many business deals have been lost due to the optics this causes. Why would anyone want to do business with someone who has no loyalty to their family?

Best Conversational Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Writing Thank You Notes: Someone Gave Me a Gift of Money.

I am often asked about the proper procedure for writing a note thanking someone for their gift of money (or even a gift card, as this is also common). Some of my readers are unsure where to start, so I have included a sample letter after my basic guidelines.

I believe that a true and proper letter…pen and paper!…is the only way to thank the person who has sent you a gift. No texting or emailing.

The amount of money gifted to you is never mentioned, no matter how large it may be. It is proper to say what you intend to use the money for and you may also include some comments on life or inquire after the person you are writing to.

A sample letter:

Dear Mrs. Smith,

Thank you so much for thinking of me on my birthday! I have deposited your gift in my living room furniture fund for when I move out in the fall. I hope you will come visit me when I am in my new apartment. I am excited to have my very own place!

How are you and Smith? I hope your own move to Miami went smoothly and that Mr. Smith is doing well at his new job.

Thank you again for your generous gift. I hope to see you soon!

With love,

Susie Grateful

As you can see, the note needn’t be long, but it must be sincere. In addition to expressing thanks, Susie asked after Mr. and Mrs. Smith as she remembered it is nice to recall details about others. Susie will  get high marks from Mrs. Smith!

Best thankful wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett