How Similar Must Our Etiquette Backgrounds Be? A Fiancee’s Conundrum

I am fortunate to be acquainted with many people and enjoy all of my friendships immensely. Recently, I was emailed by the daughter of a dear friend and asked my opinion on a sensitive topic.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett,

The man to whom I am engaged comes from a family that is completely lacking in any sort of manners. They think I am fussy and cold and much too much of a nitpicker, and I think they are rude, crude, and basically barbarians. I am thinking of ending the engagement because when my fiance is with them, he follows their lead and acts like a boor. Should I end the relationship?

Well, you can imagine my dismay at reading the poor girl’s letter.  She is in quite a pickle, indeed.

Without telling what her what to do, I pointed out a few important things in my response.

  1. You have no right to dictate to his family that they should change and adapt your standards of manners.
  2. They have no right to ask you to change, either.
  3. You do, however, have every right to expect that you and your fiance will come to an agreement as to the standards under which you, he, and your future offspring will live.
  4. Relationships and/or marriages are more harmonious when people have similar backgrounds, and manners are a big part of backgrounds.
  5. If he is unwilling to establish reasonable standards for the new family unit you are about to become, then I would think long and hard about marriage to him.

I maintain that it is easier and less expensive to break off an engagement than it is to get a divorce.

Best Mannerly Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

I Received an Invitation to a Wedding That I Don’t Wish to Attend; Do I Have to Send A Gift?

I feel and fear that it is inevitable that we shall all at some point be invited to celebrate the nuptial bliss of one or more couples for whom we frankly feel no enthusiasm. The conundrum is do we send a gift?

I would like to share that while the simple answer is that an invitation to a wedding ceremony does not obligate you to send any gift, should you be invited to a wedding reception, then you are expected to send a gift whether you attend or not. I know, it stinks and  I hear you protesting over this fact….however…the fact that you made the shortlist tells me that you have a good relationship with the sender or that you are close relations. It is sometimes better to just suck it up and attend, make the best of things, and be social. I advises you thusly:

You should attend a wedding, reception, and/or send a gift if:

-the bride, groom, or their respective parents attended your wedding.

-you are the child, cousin, sibling, aunt, uncle, grandparent, or parent of the bride or groom. 

-you work with the bride or groom and must see them on a daily basis.

-your mother tells you must attend. Listen to her…she knows.

Incidentally, a wedding announcement does not bestow an obligation to send a gift, though much the same as with an invitation to a ceremony, you may send a gift if you feel you have a good and friendly relationship with the sender of the announcement.

Best celebratory wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Manners in Conversation: Dangerous Topics

I am sometimes asked about general guidelines for conversation for those times when one may have to be around others whose views and beliefs are unknown to you. It is always better to be circumspect; remember the goal of all etiquette is to put people at ease. Here are a few items to be extremely careful of when chatting!

  1. Money is a dangerous topic, especially directly asking someone what something costs or how much they earn. The person who is asked such questions, has every right to ignore the asker. 
  2. Age is a subject to be deftly avoided due to the sensitivity some people have about their age. Let’s face it, yes…if you are entering a contract with someone, then the question is appropriate, but not in general social situations. If someone asks you how old you are, feel free to ignore this one, too. 
  3. Gossip can cause all sorts of problems. Avoid being the spreader of this muck. Want to stop a gossiper? Ask them pointedly “How do you know this?” It is funny how most gossipers won’t be able to answer.
  4. Advice is only given if it is asked for, and even then, I’d be uncomfortable giving it.
  5. Religion and politics….avoid at all costs. Yes, even in this time of wicked polarization on both subjects.
  6. Avoid criticizing your own family members publicly, even if you do not like them. I can’t tell you how many business deals have been lost due to the optics this causes. Why would anyone want to do business with someone who has no loyalty to their family?

Best Conversational Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Writing Thank You Notes: Someone Gave Me a Gift of Money.

I am often asked about the proper procedure for writing a note thanking someone for their gift of money (or even a gift card, as this is also common). Some of my readers are unsure where to start, so I have included a sample letter after my basic guidelines.

I believe that a true and proper letter…pen and paper!…is the only way to thank the person who has sent you a gift. No texting or emailing.

The amount of money gifted to you is never mentioned, no matter how large it may be. It is proper to say what you intend to use the money for and you may also include some comments on life or inquire after the person you are writing to.

A sample letter:

Dear Mrs. Smith,

Thank you so much for thinking of me on my birthday! I have deposited your gift in my living room furniture fund for when I move out in the fall. I hope you will come visit me when I am in my new apartment. I am excited to have my very own place!

How are you and Smith? I hope your own move to Miami went smoothly and that Mr. Smith is doing well at his new job.

Thank you again for your generous gift. I hope to see you soon!

With love,

Susie Grateful

As you can see, the note needn’t be long, but it must be sincere. In addition to expressing thanks, Susie asked after Mr. and Mrs. Smith as she remembered it is nice to recall details about others. Susie will  get high marks from Mrs. Smith!

Best thankful wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Household Tip: Help, An Oafish Guest Spilled Wine on My Tablecloth!

I’ve no doubt that in the course of entertaining friends and family, there has been an instance where someone with a bit of clumsiness knocked over a glass of ‘something’ onto your table linens. One hopes that it was only water…but if it was wine…here is something that may help. *

Firstly, never show by word or action that you are peeved at your esteemed guest. Though your teeth may be clenched so hard you are cracking your crowns, smile and tell your guest that all is well.

When your guests have left, you may then feel free to scream and curse and cry over your Great-Great-Great Aunt Catherine’s linen tablecloth that she sailed across the Atlantic with when she emigrated to our fine country.

Fair warning: This tip is for fabrics that are a bit stronger, so please do not use on flimsy fabrics. Boil water, preferably in a kettle for ease of pouring. Cover the stain with salt and set your timer for five minutes. When your timer dings…fasten the stained area over a large sieve or bowl with a rubber band. I would use as large a bowl as you can find. Put in sink or tub (can be messy!) and cautiously pour the boiling water over stained fabric from about a foot above the bowl. Please do not burn yourself and be careful. The key is in slowly and safely pouring the water.

*This tip has worked for The Lady Hooper-Brackett and her friends. No guarantee that it will work for you is implied. You assume all risk in trying. And again…take care not to burn yourself*

Best tidy wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett