Category: Relationships and Family

Photographic Stress in The Family Shrine

Here is a good subject to cover as there seems to be more variety in our family units. An older lady with three children and several grandchildren came to me with this question. Her problem was that two of her children have children with their former spouses, but are now re-married. The bone of contention is this: Her new daughters-in-law both resent the fact that she has family photographs on the wall that still clearly display the old spouse. She insists that it is her house and that the former spouses will always be the mothers of her grandchildren, so why shouldn’t she display their pictures?

I offered this advice:

Yes, while it is true that one can display any and all pictures that one wishes in their home, I feel that others’ feelings must be considered. The display of pictures of ex-in-laws can certainly send the message that the new spouse is not welcome or taken very seriously by the family and I assume that the person posing the questions is intelligent enough to know that this can cause strife in a marriage. (Do you really want to add another stress to your adult child’s life? It’s hard enough as it is without this petty problem) This advice applies to everyone: Regardless of how you feel about your child’s ex, when they have moved on to a serious relationship, support them and this includes taking down old pictures of the ex. It will go a long way to creating harmony in the family.

Best Framed Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Badmouthing An Ex

Have we all been here? Well, I haven;t been the badmouther…but I have heard my share. Here’s my answer to this question.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett, 

Here’s my real life question. What do you think of people who bad-mouth their exes in public? 

Ex-Ex-Ex

Dear Ex-Ex-Ex,

I presume that you mean ‘ex-husbands’ ,’ex-wives’ , ‘ex-boyfriends’ or ‘ex-girlfriends’, though I assume you could mean ‘ex-bosses’ or ‘ex-colleagues’.

I have a very good piece of advice for anyone who may be tempted to spout-off publicly: DON’T.

To publicly speak ill of someone that you were once in a relationship with is bad form. I understand that most people do talk about their unfortunate experiences, and there is nothing wrong keeping these conversations in the family circle or between friends. It is when you blab away to all and sundry that it becomes a social faux pas. After all, people can understand that things may not have worked out and it is always better to at least give the impression that things ended on friendly terms.

If the ex is an ex-boss, I fear you will risk any future employment opportunities. People can be reluctant to hire someone for fear that they will in turn talk badly about the new boss.

Silence is Golden.

Best Ex Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Multi-Level Annoyance

I cannot be certain how widespread this issue really is, as the correspondent states she is from Texas, but I feel this might be something that some readers deal with regardless of locale.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett, 

How do I politely say no to a woman who is involved in a multi-level marketing company who continually pesters me to try the latest and greatest product? I have never shown enthusiasm for the products at all, but at every turn she brings up the company, the marketing plan, and actually makes me feel as though there is something wrong with me for not wanting to join. The fact is, she and the other people who sell these products are pushy as hell and I have no desire to be in  their company. I am a proper Southern Belle Texas lady, but there are times I want to be rude and tell her to back off. 

Had Enough In Houston

Dear Had Enough in Houston,

I’m sorry that you are being seemingly targeted by this enthusiastic person who obviously is passionate about what they do. Their passion, however, should not infringe on your peace and quiet. I see nothing wrong with telling her flatly that while you appreciate her wishing to “spread the word” about products she obviously loves, you do not wish to try them, so please do not ask. Be firm. If she continues on her quest to get you to buy or sign, she is the rude one, and you have every right to remind her that you’ve spoken to her already about your feelings on this company. No is NO.

Socialization should not be a sales pitch. In my opinion, truly effective sales efforts attract and do not attack.

Best Non-Salesy Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

How Similar Must Our Etiquette Backgrounds Be? A Fiancee’s Conundrum

I am fortunate to be acquainted with many people and enjoy all of my friendships immensely. Recently, I was emailed by the daughter of a dear friend and asked my opinion on a sensitive topic.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett,

The man to whom I am engaged comes from a family that is completely lacking in any sort of manners. They think I am fussy and cold and much too much of a nitpicker, and I think they are rude, crude, and basically barbarians. I am thinking of ending the engagement because when my fiance is with them, he follows their lead and acts like a boor. Should I end the relationship?

Well, you can imagine my dismay at reading the poor girl’s letter.  She is in quite a pickle, indeed.

Without telling what her what to do, I pointed out a few important things in my response.

  1. You have no right to dictate to his family that they should change and adapt your standards of manners.
  2. They have no right to ask you to change, either.
  3. You do, however, have every right to expect that you and your fiance will come to an agreement as to the standards under which you, he, and your future offspring will live.
  4. Relationships and/or marriages are more harmonious when people have similar backgrounds, and manners are a big part of backgrounds.
  5. If he is unwilling to establish reasonable standards for the new family unit you are about to become, then I would think long and hard about marriage to him.

I maintain that it is easier and less expensive to break off an engagement than it is to get a divorce.

Best Mannerly Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett