Tag: etiquette

Decorum at The Table

I had gotten two questions in short succession about dining away from home and how to comport yourself, be it in a restaurant or at a friend’s home. Here are good reminders for us all.

  1. Should you be a smoker, do not smoke at the table. I’m not sure any restaurant allows smoking anymore, so I will say that it is important to remember not to do this when in a friend’s or family’s home.
  2. Should you be in a buffet restaurant or at a party where there is a buffet line, do not fill your plate to epic proportions the first time around. You can always go back for more. (I once saw a patron at a salad bar fill up their plate in an attempt to resemble Mount Everest!)
  3. Your dinner napkin is never tucked into the neck of your shirt. I go so far as to say that those plastic bibs they give you at New England restaurants when you order lobster are also a no-no. (Don’t come at me…I know they are there to save clothing…but I still believe they are not totally appropriate!)
  4. No fixing makeup at the table, or heaven forbid…combing the hair!
  5. Using at a toothpick at the table is frowned upon.
  6. Do not pick up a dropped utensil or anything else that may have fallen to the floor. Ask your hostess or waiter for a new one. Think how picking up the dirty implement will sully the table with all of the germs from the floor.

Best Dining Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Multi-Level Annoyance

I cannot be certain how widespread this issue really is, as the correspondent states she is from Texas, but I feel this might be something that some readers deal with regardless of locale.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett, 

How do I politely say no to a woman who is involved in a multi-level marketing company who continually pesters me to try the latest and greatest product? I have never shown enthusiasm for the products at all, but at every turn she brings up the company, the marketing plan, and actually makes me feel as though there is something wrong with me for not wanting to join. The fact is, she and the other people who sell these products are pushy as hell and I have no desire to be in  their company. I am a proper Southern Belle Texas lady, but there are times I want to be rude and tell her to back off. 

Had Enough In Houston

Dear Had Enough in Houston,

I’m sorry that you are being seemingly targeted by this enthusiastic person who obviously is passionate about what they do. Their passion, however, should not infringe on your peace and quiet. I see nothing wrong with telling her flatly that while you appreciate her wishing to “spread the word” about products she obviously loves, you do not wish to try them, so please do not ask. Be firm. If she continues on her quest to get you to buy or sign, she is the rude one, and you have every right to remind her that you’ve spoken to her already about your feelings on this company. No is NO.

Socialization should not be a sales pitch. In my opinion, truly effective sales efforts attract and do not attack.

Best Non-Salesy Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

The Surprise Party

Ahhhh I was asked how mannerly it is to plan a surprise party for someone that has stated they do not want one.

My very short answer: It isn’t. At all.

If the person of honor has made it very clear that they do not wish to be surprised, you do not surprise them. EVER. Not for the fun of it or to make everyone happy or because it would be a great thing to see their shocked face. The celebration is not for you. And you will risk seriously making your loved-one upset if you go ahead and plan such a function against their wishes.

The only time that a surprise party is warranted is when you know with absolute certainty that they enjoy surprises or have expressed the desire to one day have a surprise party. I would like to state for the record that in no circumstance would I want a surprise party and would probably lose all sense of decorum if I walked into one thrown in her honor.

Take into consideration these points:

The surprisee may not be properly dressed for a party

The surprisee may not have had their makeup, nails, or hair done and these things may be of the utmost importance to them (I attended a surprise party of a friend who entered her home after digging in her flower beds and covered in dirt…her husband was banished to the couch for a month after this incident)

The surprisee might be feeling unwell

The surprisee might just want to avoid people because they are a curmudgeon (and that’s OK!)

Best Surprise Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Amy Vanderbilt’s Advice on Accepting Jewelry

This excerpt comes from Amy Vanderbilt’s Every Day Etiquette circa 1956 page 191. I find this advice interesting because in our times, people accept all kinds of gifts from whomever offers them, never really giving much thought to the look of it all. This young lady wrote to Miss Vanderbilt and asked if she must give back a costume jewelry bracelet. Miss Vanderbilt responds with the passage below:

No, costume jewelry does not come within this ban. An un-engaged man should not give to a girl such things as real diamonds, pearls, or mink coats. He must avoid anything so personal as underthings. A recent news picture showed an important American diplomat fastening on his daughter’s wrist a large rhinestone bracelet which, it was explained, was a “gift from one of her boy friends”. So, you see, gifts of costume jewelry are quite all right, even though the cost may be high. After all he could have sent you a spray of orchids that could have cost the same amount of money or entertained you at an equally expensive dinner. 

I agree with Miss Vanderbilt…it is always nice to have a durable gift!

Best Vintage Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

A Look At Advice from 1860

I came across this advice from the The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness by Florence Hartley.  I believe that both of these pieces of advice still stand today. Enjoy a little look back at Conversation Advice.

Never interrupt any one who is speaking. It is very Ill-bred. If you see that a person to whom you wish to speak is being addressed buy another person, never speak until she had heard and replied; until her conversation with that person is finished. No truly polite lady ever breaks in upon a conversation or interrupts another speaker. 

It is a mark of ill-breeding to use French phrases or words, unless you are sure your companion is a French scholar, and even then, it is best to avoid them. Above all, do not use any foreign word or phrase, unless you have the language perfectly at your command. I heard a lady once use a Spanish quotation; she had mastered that one sentence alone;  but a Cuban gentleman, delighted to meet an American who could converse with him in his own tongue, immediately addressed her in Spanish. Embarrassed and ashamed, she was obliged to confess that her knowledge of the language was confined to one quotation. 

Best Vintage Memory Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett