Tag: ask the lady

Badmouthing An Ex

Have we all been here? Well, I haven;t been the badmouther…but I have heard my share. Here’s my answer to this question.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett, 

Here’s my real life question. What do you think of people who bad-mouth their exes in public? 

Ex-Ex-Ex

Dear Ex-Ex-Ex,

I presume that you mean ‘ex-husbands’ ,’ex-wives’ , ‘ex-boyfriends’ or ‘ex-girlfriends’, though I assume you could mean ‘ex-bosses’ or ‘ex-colleagues’.

I have a very good piece of advice for anyone who may be tempted to spout-off publicly: DON’T.

To publicly speak ill of someone that you were once in a relationship with is bad form. I understand that most people do talk about their unfortunate experiences, and there is nothing wrong keeping these conversations in the family circle or between friends. It is when you blab away to all and sundry that it becomes a social faux pas. After all, people can understand that things may not have worked out and it is always better to at least give the impression that things ended on friendly terms.

If the ex is an ex-boss, I fear you will risk any future employment opportunities. People can be reluctant to hire someone for fear that they will in turn talk badly about the new boss.

Silence is Golden.

Best Ex Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Eavesdropping Over The Cubicle Wall

Many years ago, I was employed at a large insurance company and had my very own cubicle. I can relate to the writer of this question.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett, 

I work in a large office on a floor with approximately 100 other people. We work in our own little cubicle villages, but as you can imagine there is very little privacy. There is one co-worker who is ridiculously obnoxious to all of us around her. She listens to every conversation, both business and personal, and pokes her head over the wall and comments or advises without invitation. While I realize anything you say on the floor can be overheard, I find the fact that she makes no bones about letting us all know she knows what is going on and seems almost proud that she is an eavesdropper. So what do we do? I am writing not just for myself but for the group of us who are forced to sit near her. 

Frustrated in Cubicle Purgatory

Dear Frustrated,

Oh my.

I preface my answer by acknowledging that this person may be lonely and just looking for something to talk about. Also, she might not even realize what she is doing is rude because of the expectation of no privacy on the floor. If she is one of these people and you will know it usually, I advise kindness. Just smile at her when she comments or thank her. Maybe even taking a break together and being friendly will help. Steer subjects to things other than work. The lonely and the clueless can generally be rehabilitated.

If you suspect that this is not the case with this person and you find she just enjoys feeling in charge and in control, when she starts to advise you about business, cut her off and say “Thank you, SoandSo, I have it covered.” If you all do this, I believe that this will stop.

If it is a personal conversation, again cut her off and pointedly say, “That was a private matter that I do not wish to discuss it with you.”

The problem with eavesdroppers is that they only hear one side of things and their advice (and the gossip that they pass) only applies to their one-sided listening. If this is truly bothersome and disruptive to work, I am sure that HR can call a meeting on the matter and address it as a department or company issue.

Best Work Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Leaving a Lasting Impression

Every year when high school seniors are taking their senior portraits, some seem to be drive their parents crazy as evidenced by this email I received.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett,

I am at my wit’s end trying to convince my daughter that the outfit she has chosen for her senior picture is all wrong and is not the type of thing she will want hanging on the wall for years to come. She is trying to emulate a popular singer and wants to look like one of her recent photos that was plastered all over the news, crazy makeup and all. Help me convince her this is not smart, we have been fighting over this for a week. The photography session is scheduled in two weeks.

Desperate Mother

Dear Desperate Mother,

Oh how I sympathize with your plight. It is difficult to get through to a headstrong teenager. One hesitates to demand that she dress according to what you feel is best, so let’s try to convince her in other ways.

You could try to explain to her that this picture will live on, not only in your hallway or living room where family portraits are hung, but in the yearbooks of all those she is graduating with and in the school libraries. Basically, this statement she is about to make in her senior picture will live on in perpetuity. I feel that this fact will not sink in with most teenagers because they feel that we ‘old people’ don’t know what we are talking about.

Here is a way that might drive your point home:

When your high school senior is home, take out your yearbook, get a hold of your parents’ yearbooks, any yearbook you can find. Make a game out of looking at all the senior portraits. When you find a fashion victim from the era the yearbook was published, laugh uproariously and point at it and make fun of it. Say something along the line of: “Look at this guy who thought it would be fun to look like Elvis! Bet he wishes he didn’t wear that rhinestone leisure suit today!” or in my case, I could find several Blond Ambition-era Madonna wanna-bes in my yearbook and say “I remember poor Phoebe wanted to look like Madonna so bad she wore the missile shaped bra even though you can’t see it in the picture. I bet she wishes she didn’t wear that long fake ponytail now.” What I hope will happen is that the stubborn teen will see rather than be told how ridiculous it is to wear anything in a portrait that pays homage to the popular figures of the moment. Imagine running for public office and having someone trot out a yearbook?

I suggest that the best outfit for your daughter to wear in a senior portrait is a classic top with a conservative neckline in a solid color. Jewelry should be understated, a string of pearls and simple pearl or diamond studs. The young lady shouldn’t make such a fuss if you insist she wear this. I’m sure that she and her friends are all taking selfies of themselves in all manner of costumes. Let this in-good-taste portrait be her gift to you for helping her along as she made her way through the rigors of education. One day, I am sure, she will look back and be thankful that you spared her the embarrassment of a bad decision.

My advice for a simple outfit applies to all students for school photos, by the way.

Best Senior Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett.

A Question of Asparagus

Here is an unusual bit of email that I received from a reader regarding a veggie.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett, 

I am a busy mom with three young sons. I have tried to teach them correct table manners. During our weekly Try-A-New-Food night meal, I served asparagus to them for the first time. I had instructed them that they could eat the asparagus spears with their fingers, but my husband told me that he felt this wasn’t correct. Do you know?

Signed,

Trying My Best 

Dear Trying My Best,

You ask if I know the answer and I humbly say….why, yes, I do.

You may use the side of your fork to gently cut the soft part of the asparagus spear, impale it on the fork, and then convey it to your mouth. This method is preferred in most conservative circles, especially if the asparagus is quite soft and has been covered in some type of sauce.

If, however, the stalks are firm with the sauce only applied to the tops, you may properly pick the spears up with your fingers and eat the soft edible part down to the tough part of the spear. You would then neatly place the devoured stalks on the side of your plate.

You did not reveal how you served this noble vegetable to your family, so I cannot say whether or not your husband was wrong in correcting you. I do commend you most effusively for introducing your sons to new foods. I am sure they are on their way to being cultured gentlemen.

Best Mealtime Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett