manners – Page 9 – The Lady Hooper-Brackett: Etiquette. Manners. Advice.

Addressing Invitations ‘And Family’

It is often asked of me if it is acceptable to add ‘And Family’ or ‘And Guest’ when addressing invitation envelopes. Etiquette-wise this is a no-no and I personally abhor this practice. When I was a young lady, many invitations used to come to the house inviting my parents to weddings and on all of the envelopes, the words ‘And Family’ were included. This made me sad because it seemed no one cared enough to remember that I actually had a name. Do you wish to make someone feel that you don’t care enough to remember their name but sincerely request the honor of their presence on your big day? The message is incongruous.

Also, your idea of what constitutes family may not be the same as the one receiving the invitation. The person receiving the invitation may invite their second-cousin twice removed just because there will be an open bar. Being specific on your invitation is much smarter.

I advise the following when issuing invitations:

For couples not living together or married, address it to the party that is best known to you. For example, if it is your cousin Cathy that you are close to address it:

Miss Cathy Cousin and Mr. Alfred Smith

followed by Cathy’s address. Do not write the impersonal ‘And Guest’

Send a joint invitation to married/cohabiting couples. Should they have daughters living in the home that you wish to invite, you may include them on the couples’ invitation. The outer envelope is written out in the format below (names and addresses are fictitious)

Mr./Mrs. and Mr./Mrs. Phoebus Cornelius Bicuspid

The Misses Bicuspid

1313 Mockingbird Lane

Quahog, RI 02896

If there are sons living in the home, they get their own joint invitation, with the outer envelope written as below:

The Messrs. Bicuspid

(same address format as above)

On the inner envelope (the one in which the actual invitation and reply card are safely housed) you would write out each name, as below

Mr. Phoebus Bicuspid

Mrs. Fiona Bicuspid

Miss Esmerelda Bicuspid

Miss Ann Bicuspid

and for the sons’ inner envelope:

Mister Figaro Bicuspid

Mister Jack Bicuspid

The bottom line for me: only invite those that you mean to invite and know the name of those you invite.

Best Invitation Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Saying No

I hear a lot about people who have an issue saying no to others. Thankfully, I have figured out a way to be polite while maintaining boundaries.

Do you find it easy to say no when you are asked to do something you do not wish to do? For instance, how would you respond to these questions:

We’d like to invite you to dinner next week. My mother-in-law is having issues with her gout and would like to discuss her toes with your husband. We know he is a wonderful doctor. Can you make it next Tuesday at 7?
Jack and I will be in town at the end of the month and we were wondering if we could stay with you for four days?
Can you volunteer for _______this weekend?
Can I borrow a thousand dollars?

None of these scenarios is particularly attractive and unless you are a saint, not anything you would like to do. (I acknowledge that sometimes your answer will depend on who is doing the asking.)

One of the skills that I think is essential for all to know is the art of saying ‘No’ politely, yet firmly. The best way is to say “No, thank you” or even “I’m so sorry, I/we can’t.” The key is to make this statement and then be silent. Say nothing more. I have found that this usually works, but occasionally some pushy person will keep on and ask “Why not?” The answer to this question is “I’m afraid it’s not possible.” And then be silent once more. One does not need to make up an implausible story to justify or explain why you are saying no.

It takes practice. For me it took years of practice and anxious and resentful feelings after saying ‘Yes’ when I meant ‘No’. There is great freedom in this skill!

Best No-No Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Rules for a Girl On Her Own, Vogue’s Book of Etiquette 1948

I was flipping through Vogue’s Book of Etiquette copyright 1948. This excerpt is from the section “A Girl On Her Own” subsection “Men” (page 39 in this edition) This mentions the strictest behavior rules and here they are, in their retro glory with my thoughts in parentheses.

Never dine alone with a married man, unless his wife is your great friend. (Good advice, but be wary)
Never accept an invitation through a man to the house of someone else. (Never accept an invitation from anyone except the house’s owner, in my opinion)
If you have met a man and his wife together, and the man asks you to a party at his house, do not accept. His wife should invite you. If she is away, of course there is no discourtesy implied, and if he invites you to a party, you may accept. (I disagree with this, by the way. She would say no under any circumstances)
Never drink anything alcoholic, except sherry, or a glass of wine with dinner. (I would say a margarita is also fine. Just don’t get drunk.)
Never encourage stories that are risque. (I agree to a point. A little double entrendre is ok.)
Never allow a man to come into your apartment if you are alone in it, or to stay on when other guests have left. (In our modern times, this is somewhat passé , but there is nothing wrong with not asking for trouble with a man you have not known for very long.)
Never go alone with a man to his apartment, or stay on his apartment when other guests have gone. (Again, passé, but I stand my assertion that you shouldn’t risk it with a man you do not know well.)
Never go alone with a man to his hotel room, even if he has a sitting room. (Agreed.)
Never accept a valuable present from a beau or possible beau. (I agree that a bad impression can be made to others.)

What is very clear from the advice in this section is that, at least in 1948, a woman had to be vigilant and guard her reputation. Times have changed, yes, and the rules are more relaxed, but there is certainly nothing wrong with being old-fashioned and caring about these impressions. I would even dare say that some of these sound guidelines should come back into fashion.

Best Vintage Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Using The Neighbors Recycling Bin

This question was an interesting one. I wonder how many people have dealt with this or just filled trash bags and called it a day!

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett,

I had about 80 people over for a party As you can imagine, we served beer, wine, and other adult beverages (we were responsible and had designated drivers) What I have to deal with now is the huge amount of empty cans and bottles that I need to put in the recycling bins. Can I put the extras in my neighbors recycling bins? Would this be proper?

Responsible Recycler

Dear Responsible Recycler,

I’m most pleased that you were a responsible host, also, and provided your guests with the gift of safety as you entertained them.

Now…on to the question of your neighbors’ bins. You ask if it would be proper….do you mean legally? I advise you to check with your local council.

Now…is it mannerly? Hmmm.

Perhaps your neighbor would not like to be seen by others as being someone who likes to imbibe. Your placement of the empty cans and bottles would certainly give judgmental neighbors something to talk about. I mean, dozens of bourbon bottles would get anyone talking!

The next problem that may arise is that your neighbor may run out of room for his own bottles and cans. This is certainly an imposition.

My advice is thus: Ask your neighbor if you may use the bin and if they say yes, place soda bottles or other non-alcoholic packaging in their bin. Save the booze bottles for your own bin.

Best Recycling Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Removing the Engagement Ring

One of the young people in the Hooper-Brackett clan was recently engaged and she came to the party ready to show off her beautiful new ring. I heartily approved of the good taste her fiance showed in choosing this particular ring. A problem arose, however, when the young couple wanted to join a game of baseball and the newly engaged young woman wished to remove her ring in order to do so. Her fiance was aghast and claimed to all and sundry that this was bad luck! The young people turned to me for advice. (How I sometimes feel like Solomon!)

Here are my thoughts on this matter:

To believe that removal of the engagement ring is bad luck is a quaint old mindset. To remove a large and expensive ring to protect it while playing sports, doing dishes, or even digging clams is an intelligent practice. The engagement is neither made nor broken by the wearing of the ring…the agreement of the person asked is what creates the engagement. The only time there should be concern over the removal of the ring from the finger is if it is thrown at the fiance and the words “It’s over” are spoken.

Best Ring Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett