Category: Conversationally Speaking

A Look At Advice from 1860

I came across this advice from the The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness by Florence Hartley.  I believe that both of these pieces of advice still stand today. Enjoy a little look back at Conversation Advice.

Never interrupt any one who is speaking. It is very Ill-bred. If you see that a person to whom you wish to speak is being addressed buy another person, never speak until she had heard and replied; until her conversation with that person is finished. No truly polite lady ever breaks in upon a conversation or interrupts another speaker. 

It is a mark of ill-breeding to use French phrases or words, unless you are sure your companion is a French scholar, and even then, it is best to avoid them. Above all, do not use any foreign word or phrase, unless you have the language perfectly at your command. I heard a lady once use a Spanish quotation; she had mastered that one sentence alone;  but a Cuban gentleman, delighted to meet an American who could converse with him in his own tongue, immediately addressed her in Spanish. Embarrassed and ashamed, she was obliged to confess that her knowledge of the language was confined to one quotation. 

Best Vintage Memory Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Personal Questions

I had an interesting discussion with a friend on the subject of personal questions. She was amazed that her daughter-in-law actually answered when someone asked her age. I could sympathize with her surprise, but I also acknowledge that the younger generations are generally much more open about things than we ancients are. (I’m not really ancient…but I like to pretend to be of a different era.)

Even with these more open, free social customs, The Lady believes that the following examples fall into the category of personal questions:

-How much money do you make/have/plan to inherit?

-How much did this cost? How can you afford this?

-When are you going to have children/stop having more children/discipline the children you have?

-What exactly is wrong with your health?

-Why are you getting divorced?

-How much do you weigh? (Ha…you knew that one was going to make the list!)

-Did you have some work done? (Referring to plastic surgery, not work on the house or car)

-Is it real? (Whatever it is…a gemstone, bosom, derriere, hair, etc…)

In all things, discretion is your friend. No probing questions.

Best Manners Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Conversational Faults To Avoid

I speak to many people in the course of the week from business meetings to social events. The best conversationalists have great poise and self-assurance and remember that conversation is a two-way street.  I have compiled a list of faults that one should avoid in seeking to make interesting and pertinent conversation:

Repeating the same story over and over is irritating and implies that one thinks their listeners are not paying attention or that the listeners lack intelligence.

Unkindness or unpleasantness are never appropriate. It is never appropriate to speak ill of those not present.

The conceited person thinks he is most interesting and that everyone wishes to know his opinion on a myriad of topics. I believe correcting others falls into the category of conceit as well as long-winded pomposity. Unfortunately, every event has one such person as this.

The self-pitier and the woe-is-me doom-and-gloomer.  I’ve always said that when someone asks “How are you?” they do not want to hear a litany of problems ranging from having gout, to having financial problems, to the kids performing poorly in school. Private problems should only be discussed with close family or friends. The only proper answer to “How are you?” is “GREAT!”

Words and phrases that add nothing to the conversation. I include “You know” “I mean” “Listen” “Like” and others.

Name dropping….adds nothing to a conversation. I am doubtful people even know those whose names are bandied about freely in regular conversation. No one cares who you might know.

Evil gossip….it is never well-mannered to spew hurtful rumors or comments (even if true!) The best rule is to only say pleasant things. None of this “If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit next to me.”

Best Conversational Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Manners in Conversation: Dangerous Topics

I am sometimes asked about general guidelines for conversation for those times when one may have to be around others whose views and beliefs are unknown to you. It is always better to be circumspect; remember the goal of all etiquette is to put people at ease. Here are a few items to be extremely careful of when chatting!

  1. Money is a dangerous topic, especially directly asking someone what something costs or how much they earn. The person who is asked such questions, has every right to ignore the asker. 
  2. Age is a subject to be deftly avoided due to the sensitivity some people have about their age. Let’s face it, yes…if you are entering a contract with someone, then the question is appropriate, but not in general social situations. If someone asks you how old you are, feel free to ignore this one, too. 
  3. Gossip can cause all sorts of problems. Avoid being the spreader of this muck. Want to stop a gossiper? Ask them pointedly “How do you know this?” It is funny how most gossipers won’t be able to answer.
  4. Advice is only given if it is asked for, and even then, I’d be uncomfortable giving it.
  5. Religion and politics….avoid at all costs. Yes, even in this time of wicked polarization on both subjects.
  6. Avoid criticizing your own family members publicly, even if you do not like them. I can’t tell you how many business deals have been lost due to the optics this causes. Why would anyone want to do business with someone who has no loyalty to their family?

Best Conversational Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett