Tag: manners

Leaving a Lasting Impression

Every year when high school seniors are taking their senior portraits, some seem to be drive their parents crazy as evidenced by this email I received.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett,

I am at my wit’s end trying to convince my daughter that the outfit she has chosen for her senior picture is all wrong and is not the type of thing she will want hanging on the wall for years to come. She is trying to emulate a popular singer and wants to look like one of her recent photos that was plastered all over the news, crazy makeup and all. Help me convince her this is not smart, we have been fighting over this for a week. The photography session is scheduled in two weeks.

Desperate Mother

Dear Desperate Mother,

Oh how I sympathize with your plight. It is difficult to get through to a headstrong teenager. One hesitates to demand that she dress according to what you feel is best, so let’s try to convince her in other ways.

You could try to explain to her that this picture will live on, not only in your hallway or living room where family portraits are hung, but in the yearbooks of all those she is graduating with and in the school libraries. Basically, this statement she is about to make in her senior picture will live on in perpetuity. I feel that this fact will not sink in with most teenagers because they feel that we ‘old people’ don’t know what we are talking about.

Here is a way that might drive your point home:

When your high school senior is home, take out your yearbook, get a hold of your parents’ yearbooks, any yearbook you can find. Make a game out of looking at all the senior portraits. When you find a fashion victim from the era the yearbook was published, laugh uproariously and point at it and make fun of it. Say something along the line of: “Look at this guy who thought it would be fun to look like Elvis! Bet he wishes he didn’t wear that rhinestone leisure suit today!” or in my case, I could find several Blond Ambition-era Madonna wanna-bes in my yearbook and say “I remember poor Phoebe wanted to look like Madonna so bad she wore the missile shaped bra even though you can’t see it in the picture. I bet she wishes she didn’t wear that long fake ponytail now.” What I hope will happen is that the stubborn teen will see rather than be told how ridiculous it is to wear anything in a portrait that pays homage to the popular figures of the moment. Imagine running for public office and having someone trot out a yearbook?

I suggest that the best outfit for your daughter to wear in a senior portrait is a classic top with a conservative neckline in a solid color. Jewelry should be understated, a string of pearls and simple pearl or diamond studs. The young lady shouldn’t make such a fuss if you insist she wear this. I’m sure that she and her friends are all taking selfies of themselves in all manner of costumes. Let this in-good-taste portrait be her gift to you for helping her along as she made her way through the rigors of education. One day, I am sure, she will look back and be thankful that you spared her the embarrassment of a bad decision.

My advice for a simple outfit applies to all students for school photos, by the way.

Best Senior Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett.

Thoughts on Showers

I’ve attended many showers in my life and have been asked about the planning of countless others. Here are some of the more common answers to questions I receive about wedding showers.

Display or acknowledgment of gifts of money: I realize that at showers, the bride-to-be opens the gifts of those attending, but to open each envelope that might contain a check or cash and to announce to those gathered how much someone gave is quite gauche, in my opinion. To announce that someone gave you a modest amount after someone gave you a large amount can cause undue embarrassment. It is better to avoid public discussion of money at all costs.

Multiple showers or engagement parties: I caution against having too many parties. Should you have an extravagant party announcing your engagement, any showers given by friends should be small affairs. The financial strain placed on those who feel obligated to give multiple gifts is too great.

Work gifts: In many places a group gift is generally what is given by the coworkers of the engaged. Usually, not everyone in the department is invited to the wedding, but is it necessary to give an individual gift if you have already contributed to the group gift? I say no.

Family as hosts for showers: In the past it was frowned upon for the family of the bride to host a shower due to the appearance of the family asking for gifts for the bride. I realize that times have changed. A better suggestion would be for the host to be a friend of the bride and for the family to perhaps contribute ‘behind the scenes’ by supplying the food or decorations.

Cover charge to attend a shower: Believe it or not, I was once issued an invitation asking for a contribution to pay for the buffet supper served at a shower. This is completely improper. You do not charge your guests for the privilege of attending your shower and giving you a gift! (The HORROR!!!)

Best Shower Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Dealing With Dastardly Doorbell Dingers

Here’s another universal problem that people wonder about.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett, 

There are more people than ever wandering up and down my street ringing  doorbells and trying to sell something, be it religion or new windows for the house. I struggle with not being rude as they go on and on repeating their rehearsed scripts, while I can not seem to get a word in at all. The fact is, I do not want to be bothered. They seem to have a knack of showing up at dinner time and disturbing my meal. I am fed up. Can I politely tell them to shove off?

Get Off My Porch

Dear Get Off My Porch,I also dread when the uninvited ring my bell in order to sell something and believes that you can solve your problem thusly:

When the Doorbell ringers come to the door, open it with a flourish, look them in the eye, smile, and say “I’m not interested” and close the door immediately. Give them no opportunity to waste your time. This, by the way, is not discourteous as it also frees up their time to visit more houses in the time allowed.

Best Visitor Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Advice on Insults from 1967

Here’s an excerpt from The Encyclopedia of Etiquette by Llewellyn Miller copyright 1967. This volume is very easy to read as it is written in alphabetical order. Let’s look at what Miss Miller advised when dealing with insults, be they intended or not. (Page 335 in this volume)

A famous definition of gentleman and lady is ‘One who never insults anyone unintentionally.’ To this can be added  ‘A lady or gentleman is one who never takes word, deed, or manner as an insult when none was intended.’ There is no complete remedy for either the calculated insult or one given under the hot impulse of anger. No matter how regretful or abject the apology, the memory of the insulting words remains. However, when an apology is offered it must be accepted. The acceptance can be stiff if the insult was deliberate. But if the insult was unintentional the only sensible thing to do, in sympathy for the embarrassment of the left-footed give, is to laugh and forget it.”

I agree with Miss Miller. It is certainly better to ignore such things as best as possible. I would even say if it is noted that this same person repeatedly acts in a boorish manner, I would more than likely only see this individual when absolutely necessary. Why subject yourself to more of the same?

Best “Insulting” Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Asking For A Raise

I think everyone has this question at one point or another in their work lives: how to ask for a raise.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett:

I’ve been working the same company for seven years. I’ve held many different positions, learning each quickly as I was shuffled around. I am now at the point where I can do pretty much everything if needed. I don’t think I am compensated enough and I wanted to know how I can discuss this subject and ask for a raise while not seeming to brag about myself. Frankly, I am quite accomplished, but I do not want to seem like I am boastful.

Underpaid and Undervalued

Dear Underpaid and Undervalued,

I can sympathize with your plight and assure you that you are not alone in your feelings. It will not be construed as bragging if you have actually achieved these tasks at work and approach your boss in a thoughtful manner. In business circles, speaking frankly of work accomplishments can be seen as confidence and high self-esteem.  When you meet with your boss or HR representative, you may cite special projects that you have completed, the length of time you have been employed (especially if you are one of the old retainers that have stayed while newer hires have left), the efficiency with which you perform your duties etc…These are all FACTS and certainly not bragging.

I make this caution, however. You should never try to negotiate from the position of ‘needing more money’ but from the position of your worth and value to the company. Certainly, if you can fill in for any position at any moment’s notice as you state, you are a jewel to the company and will not be an employee that any smart employer will want to lose. Be confident and boldly ask!

Best Raise Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett