Tag: etiquette

Dealing With Dastardly Doorbell Dingers

Here’s another universal problem that people wonder about.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett, 

There are more people than ever wandering up and down my street ringing  doorbells and trying to sell something, be it religion or new windows for the house. I struggle with not being rude as they go on and on repeating their rehearsed scripts, while I can not seem to get a word in at all. The fact is, I do not want to be bothered. They seem to have a knack of showing up at dinner time and disturbing my meal. I am fed up. Can I politely tell them to shove off?

Get Off My Porch

Dear Get Off My Porch,I also dread when the uninvited ring my bell in order to sell something and believes that you can solve your problem thusly:

When the Doorbell ringers come to the door, open it with a flourish, look them in the eye, smile, and say “I’m not interested” and close the door immediately. Give them no opportunity to waste your time. This, by the way, is not discourteous as it also frees up their time to visit more houses in the time allowed.

Best Visitor Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Advice on Insults from 1967

Here’s an excerpt from The Encyclopedia of Etiquette by Llewellyn Miller copyright 1967. This volume is very easy to read as it is written in alphabetical order. Let’s look at what Miss Miller advised when dealing with insults, be they intended or not. (Page 335 in this volume)

A famous definition of gentleman and lady is ‘One who never insults anyone unintentionally.’ To this can be added  ‘A lady or gentleman is one who never takes word, deed, or manner as an insult when none was intended.’ There is no complete remedy for either the calculated insult or one given under the hot impulse of anger. No matter how regretful or abject the apology, the memory of the insulting words remains. However, when an apology is offered it must be accepted. The acceptance can be stiff if the insult was deliberate. But if the insult was unintentional the only sensible thing to do, in sympathy for the embarrassment of the left-footed give, is to laugh and forget it.”

I agree with Miss Miller. It is certainly better to ignore such things as best as possible. I would even say if it is noted that this same person repeatedly acts in a boorish manner, I would more than likely only see this individual when absolutely necessary. Why subject yourself to more of the same?

Best “Insulting” Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Asking For A Raise

I think everyone has this question at one point or another in their work lives: how to ask for a raise.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett:

I’ve been working the same company for seven years. I’ve held many different positions, learning each quickly as I was shuffled around. I am now at the point where I can do pretty much everything if needed. I don’t think I am compensated enough and I wanted to know how I can discuss this subject and ask for a raise while not seeming to brag about myself. Frankly, I am quite accomplished, but I do not want to seem like I am boastful.

Underpaid and Undervalued

Dear Underpaid and Undervalued,

I can sympathize with your plight and assure you that you are not alone in your feelings. It will not be construed as bragging if you have actually achieved these tasks at work and approach your boss in a thoughtful manner. In business circles, speaking frankly of work accomplishments can be seen as confidence and high self-esteem.  When you meet with your boss or HR representative, you may cite special projects that you have completed, the length of time you have been employed (especially if you are one of the old retainers that have stayed while newer hires have left), the efficiency with which you perform your duties etc…These are all FACTS and certainly not bragging.

I make this caution, however. You should never try to negotiate from the position of ‘needing more money’ but from the position of your worth and value to the company. Certainly, if you can fill in for any position at any moment’s notice as you state, you are a jewel to the company and will not be an employee that any smart employer will want to lose. Be confident and boldly ask!

Best Raise Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Addressing Invitations ‘And Family’

It is often asked of me if it is acceptable to add ‘And Family’ or ‘And Guest’ when addressing invitation envelopes. Etiquette-wise this is a no-no and I personally abhor this practice. When I was a young lady, many invitations used to come to the house inviting my parents to weddings and on all of the envelopes, the words ‘And Family’ were included. This made me sad because it seemed no one cared enough to remember that I actually had a name. Do you wish to make someone feel that you don’t care enough to remember their name but sincerely request the honor of their presence on your big day? The message is incongruous.

Also, your idea of what constitutes family may not be the same as the one receiving the invitation. The person receiving the invitation may invite their second-cousin twice removed just because there will be an open bar. Being specific on your invitation is much smarter.

I advise the following when issuing invitations:

For couples not living together or married, address it to the party that is best known to you. For example, if it is your cousin Cathy that you are close to address it:

Miss Cathy Cousin and Mr. Alfred Smith

followed by Cathy’s address. Do not write the impersonal ‘And Guest’

Send a joint invitation to married/cohabiting couples. Should they have daughters living in the home that you wish to invite, you may include them on the couples’ invitation. The outer envelope is written out in the format below (names and addresses are fictitious)

Mr./Mrs. and Mr./Mrs. Phoebus Cornelius Bicuspid

The Misses Bicuspid

1313 Mockingbird Lane

Quahog, RI 02896

If there are sons living in the home, they get their own joint invitation, with the outer envelope written as below:

The Messrs. Bicuspid

(same address format as above)

On the inner envelope (the one in which the actual invitation and reply card are safely housed) you would write out each name, as below

Mr. Phoebus Bicuspid

Mrs. Fiona Bicuspid

Miss Esmerelda Bicuspid

Miss Ann Bicuspid

and for the sons’ inner envelope:

Mister Figaro Bicuspid

Mister Jack Bicuspid

The bottom line for me: only invite those that you mean to invite and know the name of those you invite.

Best Invitation Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Saying No

I hear a lot about people who have an issue saying no to others. Thankfully, I have figured out a way to be polite while maintaining boundaries.

Do you find it easy to say no when you are asked to do something you do not wish to do? For instance, how would you respond to these questions:

  1. We’d like to invite you to dinner next week. My mother-in-law is having issues with her gout and would like to discuss her toes with your husband. We know he is a wonderful doctor. Can you make it next Tuesday at 7?
  2. Jack and I will be in town at the end of the month and we were wondering if we could stay with you for four days?
  3. Can you volunteer for _______this weekend?
  4. Can I borrow a thousand dollars?

None of these scenarios is particularly attractive and unless you are a saint, not anything you would like to do. (I acknowledge that sometimes your answer will depend on who is doing the asking.)

One of the skills that I think is essential for all to know is the art of saying ‘No’ politely, yet firmly. The best way is to say “No, thank you” or even “I’m so sorry, I/we can’t.” The key is to make this statement and then be silent. Say nothing more. I have found that this usually works, but occasionally some pushy person will keep on and ask “Why not?” The answer to this question is “I’m afraid it’s not possible.” And then be silent once more. One does not need to make up an implausible story to justify or explain why you are saying no.

It takes practice. For me it took years of practice and anxious and resentful feelings after saying ‘Yes’ when I meant ‘No’. There is great freedom in this skill!

Best No-No Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett