Tag: etiquette

Choosing a Honeymoon Destination

Someone posed this question and it took me a day or so to come up with answer. But I think my opinion might have been helpful to these folks!

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett, 

All of the preparations for my wedding are going smoothly except for choosing where to go on our honeymoon. My fiance is an outdoorsman and wants to have an active honeymoon with fishing and hiking. I would rather go to museums and relax. I’m not saying this is actually causing us to fight, but my fiance has made the point that this is the only vacation he will get this year (he just started a new job and is limited on his days off). Help, please. Do you have any suggestions?

Harried Honeymooner

Dear Harried Honeymooner,

I empathize with your problem because, quite frankly, I went through the same thing with Lord Hooper-Brackett. You ask for help and suggestions…here they are:

  1. You should choose something that you will both enjoy. This trip begins your married life together and should be one of pleasant memories and not the first battle of wills in the marriage. Remember: manners and consideration are more important than ever in a happy household.
  2. You do not say if you wish to stay in the United States or go abroad, but I suggest France as a destination that will fit both of your interests in nicely. Paris a large walking city (hiking!!!) and is filled with museums to satisfy you (not to mention the wonderful food) and then you may take a day or two so your groom can indulge in fishing in Brittany.
  3. If the United States is your choice: Savannah, Georgia and Newport, RI offer fishing and cultural experiences. Actually any coastal city on the East Coast (by virtue of being part of the original colonies) should have a mix of history and recreation which will satisfy both of you.

I could exhaust myself making suggestions. My best advice: make this trip a reflection of you both as a couple. And try the fishing excursion. Even if you only sit on the boat and cheer him as he reels one in, your togetherness is all that matters.

Best Honeymoon Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

How Much Food To Serve

I’ve found that I’ve been  asked this question in one form or another several times. Here is one version that I think accurately reflects the worries that some folks have about entertaining.

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett

My son is being married at his fiancee’s church, which happens to be in New York City. We live in Boston as do many of our friends and family who are invited to the wedding and reception. We will all be carpooling or taking the train to NYC (which you can imagine is costing the group of 48 both time and money) The bride and her family have decided to serve only “light refreshments” at the reception. And by light she means tea-time finger sandwiches, champagne, and small dainty desserts in addition to the wedding cake. Am I wrong to feel that they should serve something a little more substantial? Especially with the groom’s family numbering so many and traveling such a distance. I’ve offered to contribute and they politely refuse.

Starving Mother of The Groom

Dear Starving Mother of The Groom

First I will say what you want me to say: HOW AWFUL! They should be ashamed at serving such meager cuisine.

Now I will say this:

Traditionally, the bride’s family hosts the reception and provides the apres-nuptial bounty. In our modern times, there seems to be more cost-splitting going on, but this is the traditional role that the bride and her family play. Basically, what they are serving is perfectly acceptable. Even if they would choose to serve only the wedding cake and punch or champagne, that is entirely correct.

NOW, with that being said…as you have been rebuffed in your efforts to contribute to the food kitty, I advise this:

Since all of the starving Bostonians are traveling together anyway, after the wedding reception, find a restaurant in the city where you can play hostess, pay for the cornucopia of vittles, and eat as much as you like. Your relatives will have full tummies and can travel home in comfort.

Best Wedding Wishes

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

Graciously Responding to Someone Who Has Treated You Poorly In The Past

Here is an anonymous email asking for advice on a subject that I am sure we all deal with in our lives. 

Dear Lady Hooper-Brackett, 

Recently I was in a restaurant and I noticed a man kept looking over at me. I didn’t recognize him and kept on with my conversation. Suddenly, I noticed he was approaching the table. He stood near my seat and said ,”I wanted to come over and say hello. Do you recognize me?” I didn’t. He then said , “Weren’t you in the class of 1996 at Stamford High School? Didn’t you go on the senior trip to the Jersey Shore?” It was then my heart dropped. This was the guy that I had a huge crush on in school, the man that I childishly pursued. His way of handling it 20 some odd years ago was to humiliate me and make fun of me publicly. 

I was polite and made small talk for a few minutes. He seemed really happy to see me and as though he forgot all of the strangeness from school. Also, I  felt bad for him because time wasn’t kind to him and he has lost his looks. But I wonder if I should have been less than polite to him? 

Thank you.

Dearest Emailer, I am more concerned about the way this man approached you in public than with how you handled yourself, but perhaps I will touch upon that in another post. To answer your question about your own reaction, this is what I feel.

It will never be incorrect to be polite to someone in the circumstances that you detail. No doubt, in the two decades since you have left high school, you have grown as an individual and would never remake the mistakes of youth. You were right to give him the benefit of the doubt and be polite, after all he has no doubt moved on from the follies of his youth. He may not remember the situation from school the same way that you do. I feel that since he made an effort to come to speak to you, then he was happy he had seen you. I feel you handled things nicely in a surprise situation.

I do believe, however, that there is nothing wrong with taking secret delight in the fact that someone who was once rude to you “lost his looks” as you say. In fact, I believe you should be most pleased that you looked enough the same that someone who knew you so long ago would still recognize you. Keep doing what you’re doing!

Best Mannerly Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

The Lady’s Guide To Basic Letter Writing

Mail time at The Hooper-Brackett estate is one of my favorite times of the day. It is when I can hope that there will be a bona-fide, handwritten letter from a cultured and thoughtful friend. Ahhh the joy of seeing pen to paper, rather than the electronic typing of an email. I understand that email and digital communications are necessary, but there are times that a handwritten letter is a must! I will discuss greeting cards in another post.

I will not be covering different types of letters in today’s entry, merely going over the supplies and accoutrements that you should have when sitting down to pen a letter.

  1. Use real, honest-to-goodness paper. Not a torn out notebook sheet or recycled envelopes (horrors!)
  2. Make sure the paper is of the best quality that you can afford and be sure it is of a conservative color. Gray, Ecru, White, or a Light Blue are all acceptable. Remember, letter-writing is for all occasions. You may be writing a condolence letter and certainly do not want to only have on hand a red or other festive paper. Also, if you are penning business correspondence, conservative is the way to go.
  3. If you choose to personalize your paper, please omit any cutesy designs or emojis and choose a conservative font.
  4. The pen and ink you use matters! I am fond of rollerball pens with black or blue ink.
  5. Beautiful stamps are the finishing touch to the correspondence. If the post office does a series on flowers, these are wonderful for all letters. As much as I appreciate cartoons and commemorative TV show stamps (a la Star Trek etc..) these are not truly appropriate.
  6. Preprinted labels are fine for mailing a bill payment, but handwriting your return address is best on all social correspondence or invitations. Incidentally, clear seals are acceptable to seal an ungummed envelope, but avoid childlike stickers.
  7. Please, for the love of all that is neat and sweet, DO NOT load glitter, sequins, confetti or anything that will drop out of the envelope and make a mess when the person opens the envelope. In once had to clean up an explosion of glitter and I swear two years later I still see the shiny specs in the carpet despite daily vacuuming.
  8. Try to cultivate a neat handwriting. I am from the Dark Ages when the Palmer Method was taught in school under the stern, perfectionistic gaze of the nuns at my Catholic school. I developed my penmanship slowly. Incidentally, I believe that ALL schools should teach this lost art once more. It adds polish.
  9. A good writing desk is a must with all the aforementioned tools within arm’s reach.

And there you have it. Let there be more thoughtful letter writing and less emailing going forward!!!

Best Letter Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett

The Art of the Breakup: Is “Ghosting” Mannerly?

As a follow up to the similar manners problem that my friend’s daughter wrote to me about, it came to my attention that my friend’s daughter did indeed end things with her fiance. She did it in an odd way, what I have heard younger people refer to as “ghosting.” Being a Gen Xer of a curious mind, I googled this “ghosting” procedure.

I learned much as I researched, but the fact is this ghosting is nothing new. This technique has been around for ages. I read many opinions from people who think that ghosting is cowardly, but I must say that I cannot find anything that would smack of poor manners. To the contrary, I believe that ghosting just might be the easiest sort of breakup there could be.

Let’s face it, if you were on the receiving end of a relationship coup de grace, isn’t it easier to have your beloved stop answering the phone and fade away in your memory rather than have them tell you outright that they can’t stand you anymore? Isn’t the illusion that is left when they ghost easier to take than being told that you are the most boring person they’ve ever known? Think about it…when the ghosting is done, you can continue to think about the good times and smile. A face to face breakup will only shake your confidence and make you second guess everything you think is so great about yourself.

So yes, I am in favor of the exit that makes little fuss, creates little stir, and still maintains the self-esteem of the one who is left.

Best Ghostly Wishes,

The Lady Hooper-Brackett